learnings

It was with great pain I read about the death of the little girl Sherine aka Saraswathi in USA. The child had some special needs and the adopted parents failed in their duties to understand her and parent accordingly. One may ask if they were her biological parents would they have done so. Well there is no clear cut answer. Biological parents have also been known to be harmful to their wards. Parenting is no easy task. Yet society puts tremendous pressure on couples  to become parents. It is a crime towards the child. It is amazing to note how we think that parenting comes naturally. Maternal or parental instincts may be present naturally in most of us. But parenting is not instinct. It is a task that comes with huge responsibility. To be responsible means one has to devote time and effort. Here effort is engagement- engagement with focused attention. So before considering having a child biologically or via adoption the couple has to consider if they are physically, mentally ,...

https://www.parentune.com/parent-blog/why-do-children-lie-the-psyche-of-lying/2747

An old man with matted beard came up to me asking for alms. I do not encourage begging but there are exceptions like this old Man who would have been almost 75 years. When I gave him money he thanked me in English. His voice and tone suggested that he had seen better times. I was pleasantly surprised to hear him speak fluently. I got curious and I began chatting with him.  The first sentence he uttered was , "I made the wrong choices. Now I am paying for it. " And I asked him the reason. His name is Prakash. Prakash owned a distribution company for ITC. Plenty of money passed through his hands. He did not bother to save. He spent all of it on entertaining people in posh hotels. His mother would warn him every day that he ought to save. He did not pay heed. His vices grew.His wife died of asthma. His daughter died of brain tumour and his mother of old age. His biggest regret was that he could not afford treatment for his daughter. His money had all gone. So were the so...

I had been to a play that was adapted from the very popular movie 12 Angry Men.  This play was obviously adapted to Indian context.  12 jurors contemplate if an 18 year old boy form the slums was guilty or not,of murdering his father. Each juror contemplated from his/her viewpoint. The social inequality- after all he was a slum boy so he would have done- shone through several jurors. It was exciting to note the predictability, the emotions and the debate. I was discussing this play and our social prejudices with a highly educated friend of mine. He said very callously, 'well what is surprising, aren't they capable? In real life if this were to happen we would judge the boy as guilty. After all a slum boy. They are like that!' So the play reflected our mindset?  Scratch the surface and the real layer is revealed is it not. After all we see the world as how we are brought up - secular, communist, capitalist, optimist, pessimist, discriminatory, comic, tragic, morose, ...

I visited the USA to spend time with my 7 month old granddaughter. I had a lovely time and gained another perspective in pregnancy and childrearing. 1.        The pregnant woman is not treated like an invalid: I was amazed to see pregnant women happily swimming and exercising in the pool. It is easier to do leg lifts in the water. The pregnant woman goes about her tasks as usual till she enters into labour. Neither does she eat for ‘two’. She eats wisely. Hence it was refreshing to see slim and healthy pregnant women. 2.        After child birth- On the 5 th day they are up and moving about, if they have had a normal delivery. They are taking the new born in the stroller for a walk too. Both parents take equal responsibility of raising the child. Hence it is wonderful to see the father so active in taking care of the infant. The couple become self- sufficient. 3.        Raising the baby-...

I read the other day that transgenders were requesting the media to support them. They emphasized that if the media lends support to their voices and life issues, the society would be more accepting. I usually listen to Radio 1 or Fever on my way to work and back home. Today happens to be the birthday of a celebrity producer and director. He has come out clean that he is not straight. Both the radio channels were making a mockery of his voice and identity. I felt pained at this insensitivity. And to my incredulity one of the RJs made fun  of a racist bias held by the same celebrity. She mentioned sarcastically that the celebrity was here to cleberate his success of distributing the film Bahubali. recently some in Bollywood commented that Bahubali was a tamil fim when in reality it is a telugu film. So this RJ mocks at the situation emphasizing that Tollywood and Kollywood are not the same. So was it the pot calling the kettle black? we get so infuriated about such bias but do ...

Scene 1 at the park Indian mom to child of 6 years: Go and play. I will come back in one hour's time to pick you up. Child goes to play. Mom returns... searches... irritated... finds child Mom: You crack pot (loosu in tamil), you nutcase (saavucracki in tamil) it took me so long to find you. I told you.. (hits on his head). Child- mom you did not tell me where you will wait. And I do not have a watch. Mom- you nut case. come home. I will give you more..... Child in turn to his older sister who is now taunting him- you crack pot of a sister.... (eyes roll) Scene 2 Western alias American/European (foreigner) Parent Mom: Sweetie the time is 5 now. Check your watch. Ya good. I shall pick you up at 6 ok. Come right here to this statue. After an hour mom returns. Child is waiting at the designated place Mom: Hey, did you have a good time? Hope you were ok while I was away. Child and mom go away discussing stuff in a friendly manner. So what went wrong in Scene 1 ? Basic...

This morning as I entered the temple gate to attend a Members meeting my heart burst forth with emotion. This is a temple in my neighbourhood  where my father would take me along. Being a life member of this temple, he made me a life member too. As I drove towards the temple, I recollected holding my dad's hand ,crossing the road and walking briskly alongside him. He would recount his life stories and I would listen enthralled. There have been times when I resisted going along with him too. Today watching my son cradle his daughter made me reminisce about my father. My mom recounted the lengths dad would go to put me to sleep or to stop me from screaming and bringing down the neighbourhood. Just then I received a message that the Annual General Body meeting at the temple would commence in a n hour. Spurred by the memories I decided to go.  I entered the auditorium and was greeted by my father's contemporaries. My eyes welled with tears and I was choked with emotion...

Are we doing our assessments in the right manner? The other day I was talking to a 11 year old in my neighbourhod.  He proudly remarked that he had completed his test paper in 10 minutes. The test was set for 45 minutes. I praised him saying that he must have prepared so well that he had completed the test so fast. And out of the mouth of the babe came this,' Oh my teacher had revised these very same questions just before the test. Same to same.' I turned red on behalf of my fraternity. So do we need such assessments?

This happened at a recent Parent teacher interaction at a school where my friend works. One particular teacher had a few parents around her. She was mindlessly pointing out the mistakes made by one student to his parent. She even compared him to another boy standing beside him. The boy and his parents were flustered but listened patiently and walked away. The very next day one student walked upto my friend and had a talk with her. She noted that he looked very pained. He admitted that he felt very upset. On probing he told her that he was hurt that way that particular teacher had spoken about his friend. He said,'Ma'am imagine how my friend felt when his mistakes were pointed out in front of others! And Ma'am he was being compared with another. Would it not have hurt him so much? Ma'am all the time you adults tell us that we must not compare with one another. Then why is a teacher doing so?' My friend had no words to answer. My question is why do we associat...

On a recent visit to a neighbouring city I happened to visit the children's park space which is located within a gated community. There were any children between the age group of 2-7 years playing. Most of the children were accompanied by young nannies- school children ding part time duties! They had come armed with toys. But the children did not show nay interest in the toys. Rather they were so happy playing with the beach sand available in one corner. They were outdoing each other in making mud cakes. As I watched them play I was able to detect various types of personalities: 1. The older sibling making mud cakes and sharing with the younger sister. 2. A chatty little one who was obsessed with cleaning the mud and getting the right consistency before making the mud cakes. 3. A boy who walked into their midst, very calmly destroyed all their cakes and began to make some for himself! 4. The chatty one continued with her work. But the older sibling watched for awhile. Wh...

All of us have an MBA- a mind bank account. So what are we putting into this bank account? We have a current account where thoughts keep flooding and hardly stay for long. The current account has thoughts on immediate work, mundane stuff and domestic chores. Let us look into our savings account. what kind of thoughts are we saving? What kind of thoughts are being harvested? These thoughts work best in our work-home relationships. Are we able to love, be kind, respect, trust ourselves and others on a daily basis? Let us look into the Fixed Deposit! These thoughts harbor on those who are closest or those who are the worst enemies. Are the thoughts here positive about ourselves and others? These thoughts will surface back with a deadly interest years later so beware. And what about our recurring deposit- these are those thoughts that keep recurring on various events and  people who impact our lives? These thoughts are normally harvested from the Savings Account. So update y...

It is with shock and outrage that I heard the news of this Malayalam actor who was molested by people known to her in the same industry. We hear of several incidents ofabuse. But why did this tear into my heart? it is because I like this actor. She is like the girl next door. Celebrities lives aren't private. We are so privy to their lives that we feel connected to them. Thankfully no stupid male has dared to comment about her work, dress, behaviour etc. When such atrocities take place, it is the comments of thoughtless selfish males in power, in the society that is most painful. Recently a politician commented that women ought to be like parked cars! They should be parked inside homes; if they come out they are bound to get scratches and dents! Imagine us having elected leaders like this! Why don't men sit inside the houses so that we can roam freely! When o when Will I be able To wear what I want Talk what I want Do what I want Roam where I want Just be myself ...

I knew this student some years ago who seemed so cold and calculating. It was very difficult for him to be empathetic. On meeting his parents and interacting with them I realized that he was merely echoing what he was learning. It is so important for us parents and teachers to be empathetic and teach our children how to be empathetic. Showing kindness, empathy and care has to be cultivated. As Parents we could : 1. Tell stories of kindness 2. Pick out stories of kindness from our daily lives 3. Expose children to old age homes and orphanages 4. Listen to our children. When they come to us with complaints about others, listen, take time to respond. Children will blame others easily. Examine, look at the situation from another perspective too. Do not jump to take sides with your child and come down upon others. 5. Be engaged with our children. 6. As a couple we need to be kind and caring to each other so that our children emulate us. As a teacher it is important to be the rol...

Often we hear that Opposites attract. It maybe so. Yet in a relationship, any relationship, it is more important to have 'like values' and a a few 'like interests'. In our daily lives it is very practical to have partners, spouses and colleagues who have values and interests (at least a few) similar to ours. For this means we can spend quality time together. This works out very effectively in marriages. A typical scenario in an urban marriage in my city is : the husband hangs out with his friends at least once a week while the wife is at home. She gets irritable by the minute. He watches cricket while she watches serials. He prefers a particular cuisine so she sacrifices her tastes. This applies to movie genre too. He likes to sleep early while she likes to read. She likes to surf the net while he works even at home so both are in different rooms. One likes to travel in a group while the other wants to travel just as a couple. Where is the conversation, the teasing, ...

This evening two of my Grade 7 came running to me and commented that I 'looked' very happy today. And this in spite of me wearing my spectacles! I grinned at them and shouted out that it was they who had made me so happy and that I loved them. The joy and glee on their faces have been captured in my mind's camera. One of them said that whenever I wear spectacles I looked and behaved serious! OOH a great feedback. well I cannot remove the 'spectacle look' but I could definitely lose the 'serious' look. On my journey back home I mused about children. They are sent off in a rush or in a stressed situation (early morning routine in every home). They come to school and right from the morning assembly to all the classes it is a series of tired and 'serious' teachers doling out advice, giving homework, checking tasks etc. They get back home only to be packed off to special classes, music/dance/karate classes. Phew. Then they turn to digital tools for e...

Clouds so grey hang over the horizon And immense power they have Drawing you into the circle of bleak and pain Colours become colourless And so with odour Brain fuzzes with negativity All I want is to curl and sleep But the womb rejects Sleep evades and visions tumble in Pain surges forth till the coffee turns bitter Words become noise....

A colleague gave a talk on resolutions and that it is in our hands to maintain them. A beautiful example was cited. The root of a tree is the resolution. The unhealthy branches of excuses spoil the resolution. This morning as I mused ( doing this for the last 2 months) whether I ought to go for my morning walk, I remembered the talk. I sprang into action. The harsh reality of me panting and carrying my heavier body has brought me  to the present, the now. Self discipline is often associated with being dispassionate. On the contrary self discipline is self love. It means you are passionate. Passion indicates deep feeling, a feeling of depth. So self discipline is actually self love. When one loves oneself, one will inculcate god habits and self control. We are emotional beings. Feelings can empower us or enslave us. So it is up to us to nurture and respect our feelings by listening , responding, organizing them, redirecting them and limiting them. This would be healthy self dis...

Any relationship will be successful only when all involved work on it. As relationship ages many things are taken for granted. Intimacy in the relationship has to be worked upon mindfully. Small exchanges of sweet-nothings, a kiss, a hug, complimenting each other are positive strokes in a relationship. When one tends to forget, the other partner ought to take charge. Love and kindness will beget the same. 

This morning as I drove to work I heard a metallic clang and I thought I had banged my car against some stone or pillar. I did not stop to look because the lane was too narrow and traffic would have piled up if I had stopped. Also I had to be punctual to work so I carried on as if nothing had happened. Many bikers were turning and looking at my car. No one pointed or said anything. So I drove blissfully for almost a kilometer till a good samaritan pointed out that I had a puncture. Immediately I veered the car to safety. A helpful auto-rickshaw driver took me to a few shops that would repair a puncture. One soul accompanied me back in the auto. He did the needful. He was dropped off in the auto. Before leaving he gave me some helpful tips too. In the evening I got the car tyre checked and I had to spend quite an amount because the 1 km extra drive had costed my tyre!.  Sigh it has been an eventful day- punctured tyre and punctured purse. Costly ;earning. Yet I am grateful t...

Alone I tread into the sacred ground With heart thumping and blood coursing With strides so purposeful  I found my space, my nourishment Books I bought of authors Far and wide in my land I will soon get into the world of  Shanta, Geeta, Chhaya and Nakul My eyes await with feverish excitement My nostrils will twirl at the fragrance of the page All I need is a corner so cosy now. My all time favourite stall is the Sahitya Academy one. I visit this stall and that of Harper Collins. Today I strolled around a bit and I was happy to seethe milling crowd, children demanding for books and the cashless transactions happening. I wonder why I go year after year. I have books on Audible, on Kindle...  well those books are for the mind or heart. These are for my soul.

The circle of acceptance is an activity I do with children and adults. It is a simple activity. Whenever we have a problem or issue in a team or between two people this is one activity that may work for you. Stand in a circle if you are a group. If you are just two or four then draw a circle or designate an invisible circle around you. Brainstorm the issues. While debating and discussing you may experience anger, irritation and hurt. Clench your palms whenever the feelings arise. Once one round of brainstorming occurs, round 2 should be of pointing out 1 positive about the other/others. Look into the eyes of the other when you say the positive. Next hold hands and step into the circle saying, this is the circle of acceptance and we are in it together. For those who are inside the circle say the same. Repeat if you have to. Adults will have inhibitions in saying aloud. At least one can say aloud and others can repeat. Look at each other when you say the positive. Be stil...

How do we take feedback? ( Constructive) To parents 1. Are we listening to our children especially when they offer their point of view? Often our ego does not permit us. We brush away with statements like, 'Because I say so'/ 'just do it'. To teachers, 1. Are we willing to listen to suggestions/opinion  or take in feedback from our students? We counter question them with ,' Me? Am I so? You have not understood me' followed by a long lecture. To colleagues, 1. Are you able to act upon a suggestion or willing to listen/ understand  another person's point of view?  With a curt ( how can we be happy is it not) tone we render an apology throwing words into the air or we make the other person feel worse. I had a great time today having an open dialogue with my students of Grade 6. I am always amazed at how much they observe; how wonderfully they imitate the adults around them . It struck me how poorly we take in feedback. I witnessed a dialogue between...

I enjoy opening the doors leading to a tiny sit-out area in my apartment. The whiff of fresh air, the early morning light entice me. I love sitting there and reading the newspaper while sipping a hot cup of coffee. This simple ritual gives me so much joy. Just this morning I realized that there is no particular view. My balcony looks into an all white apartment next door. Between the two apartments there is the sliver of blue sky, a tree here and there and the road to the right. Nothing much, nothing gorgeous. Yet how much happiness it gives me. I am thankful for the home I live in, the area where I live, the glimpse of the sky and the trees, the lovely coffee brewed by my mother, the few minutes of my time... There is so much to be thankful for. The view indeed.

It has been a long time since I have blogged. Happy new year to all. I am always excited about the ending of a year and the beginning of a new one. Spending time with close family and friends: I have been spending New Years' eve at my parents place with family and friends. I have never regretted the experiences too. It is cozy and worthwhile. I would not trade this for anything else. Sharing knowledge and books: Work began after a 10 day relaxing Xmas vacation. I had given a book titled ,'So good they can't ignore you' by Cal Newport to a student. I always share my book learnings/ books with my students. This time I asked the student to share the learnings. There was pin drop silence as all were listening so attentively. He gave such a fantastic talk giving the learnings ,bite-sized to his classmates. I mentioned to my colleague proudly that he outshone his teacher. The joy of reading, sharing doubled for me. We processed the learnings at the end of the class. ...