learnings

  4. Our brain on ROAD RAGE Why road rage? Well it is the most common behaviour among us. Abusing, yelling, being fined are common and we blame it on bad drivers, bad roads and traffic. Just a minute. Our brains are built to overreact to a perceived threat. The same neuronal machinery that protected our ancestors from a charging animal eons ago is activated when we encounter ordinary stresses like traffic! Our body releases cortisol, a hormone which sets off the brain’s alarm bells by stimulating the emotionally charged amygdala while damaging neurons in the hippocampus, which in turn shrinks the calming part of the brain that puts things in perspective. To bring this stress response under control we can take the help of our newer brain i.e. the frontal cortex to regulate the older ones. Another common example is, nearly everyone has an involuntary reaction to a stressful situation like public speaking. We feel our stomach churning, our mouths going dry because that’s how evolution...

Our brain is  about 1300 grams in weight and has a 100 billion neurons sloshing around. This amazing organ has been evolving for millions of years which is similar to scoops of ice cream being added to a cone. The lowest part of the brain(thalamus and cerebellum) is similar to that of a lizard’s.It hasn’t evolved much. It handles the survival –oriented behaviour like hunger and sex. The middle part of the brain is involved in emotional processing. This part of the brain ( hippocampus and amygdala) is similar to that of the mice’s which is much more evolved than that of a lizard’s. The third and the newest part of the brain which is also the largest is the complex cortex and is the home to our thoughts and language. The evolution of our brain can be compared to this example.If someone asked you to construct a racing boat but they gave you a wooden rowboat and said you could add things to it to make it into a racing boat!  That’s what our brain evolution has been.We can’t cha...

  A child breaks a cup/ a child snacks when he is not supposed to.. common scenarios. Is the child bad? Has he or she said ‘no’ when you confronted? Is he or she lying? Does it make him/her bad? The children aren’t bad neither are all lies bad! All lies aren’t even lies!! Why do children lie? Do attempt to make a difference between lying and make-believe. Children below five years are prone to make up things as an extension of their creative minds. They love to live in a fantasy world. It is part of their wishful thinking when they say things like,’ I was the best at school’/ ‘all are having pets’! To Avoid Hurting Someone After the age of 10 children are usually aware of the black and white. Adults use the ‘white lie’ option a lot to escape unfavourable situations and to be diplomatic. Children observe this and absorb the behaviour and use it. Peer Pressure This is universal. Children ‘always’ want to fit in. It is imperative they are accepted in their friends’ circle, the ‘gang’...

I am dismayed that you had to utter such nonsense. I am not surprised though. Though you live in New York, your heart belongs to the typical Indian male. Why is it I wonder that you men only think of justifying your actions either individually or on behalf of your gender. Freud has theorized that this is called rationalization. Why is it that no man has been MAN enough ( excepting Pritish Nandy) to caution men from indulging in ogling/abusing/voyerism etc? It is always us, ironically the victim here, who are implicated! In all other crimes the perpetrator is questioned/taken to task/reprimanded/punished. Today’s paper carries an article of a middle aged man having sexually assaulted a three year old baby girl. Was the child wearing jeans? Was she sensually dressed? Was she showing skin? Why don’t you men just live and let live? Do women tell you men what to wear?  That mundu reveals skin/ That facial hair is disgusting/ That you flaunt your paunches is ugh/ We are not pets to...

  3 of us women friends decided to go on a heritage trip. We went through several touristy stuff. It was then we realised that a young friend of ours had been on this ‘different’ trip with a new upcoming group http://www.f5escapes.com/about/ . Intrigued we began communication with Malini of f5 escapes. Communication exchange was prompt. All the arrangements were taken care of without a hitch. we took the double decker train to Bangalore from Chennai. It is a good train to travel in. Food is sold in plenty so we never went hungry. The train is also maintained well. Seats are like the economy class of a low cost airline. We got off at Bangalore and rested for a couple of hours at the nearest YMCA. The evening train Gol Gumbaz express arrived on time and transported us to Badami.  It is wise to get a porter for Rs 120 at Bangalore station as we have to negotiate climbs up and down. Badami station looked run down. I couldn't believe that this quaint place was once the thriving...

A parent owned up for not spending quality time with his son. He did not turn blind to his son's irresponsible behaviour. He did not blame other classmates for the same. Oh this is not a fairy tale. It is an event that took place at my workplace. Rarely do I come across parents like this. Yet another parent is constant denial regarding her son. She constantly blames the influence of other classmates. I can work with the first parent. I know for sure that we will be able to bring about a positive behavioural change. Well not surprisingly the other parent has requested for a transfer certificate. She has found escapism a route. Is it a small wonder that the child does the same?

I do not know how I should feel now. On one side everyone is jubilant about the latest Mars mission. Indeed it is a proud moment. On the other side is the terrible episode that took place at the Delhi Zoo. A 22 year old man falls into the tiger's enclosure. 15 good minutes elapsed. There was nothing done. The naive crowd began to holler and scared the animal so much that it took out its fear and anger on the helpless man. It was a crule death. Ironically today's papers report that he was mentally deranged, a drug addict, separated from his wife and child. Was the media washing its hands off? were the Delhi officials washing their hands off? There has been no inquiry and nor will there ever be.. After all he was a common man. And labelled mentally unstable and an addict. It seemed as if the media and the Zoo officials were justifying their act of negligence. The security guards did not know what to do! They had to go to a vet hospital 1/2 km away to get a tranquilizer gun. ...

A few simple ways parents can help encourage learning at home: Ensure children have a quiet area to work on homework;atleast their own table and space to keep their stuff Limit children’s time on electronic media unless it’s being used for the assignment Don’t hover over your child’s shoulder, instead check on your child periodically to see if they need any help Be sure to encourage your child if they seem to hit a wall of frustration Praise children’s work and efforts Parents should regularly ask questions about the child's school day and homework. Set reasonable expectations for the child's academic success Compare only with the child's own work Visit the school at regular intervals to know about the child's progress.

My colleague had taken extra care in dressing today. During the course of our conversation she said that she took extra care to dress up when she had a bad day. That was her way of coping. Of course after a bout of self pity. I smiled. I too love to wallow in self pity, but for a short while of course. After which like a duck shrugging off water from its back I shake out of the mood.  Each one of us have our own coping mechanisms.  What is yours?

I watched Jigarthanda a new tamil movie. I loved it. Looking back it has no message. It is based on a violent gangster but the movie veers off the usual path. Humor, good editing, background songs and of course the right casting of actors helped. I came out with a smile on my face. Indeed it was relaxing. Finding Fanny--- I loved this movie. I had forgotten the genius actor Naseeruddin Shah. He is brilliant in the movie. Dimple is no longer the gorgeous babe but she has proved her mettle.. Deepika with minimal make up is gorgeous. Typical Goan setting and peppy music make it lovable. It was simply wonderful to have Pankaj Kapur back on screen. Maybe the voice over was not needed. Why go searching and knocking for love? Like opportunities it is very much inside us. All we need is to look deep within. Frozen-- Sigh what a lovely Sunday afternoon watch. Gorgeous visuals and a simple story. A rare sibling story and good casting. Optimism, love and being oneself ( freeing oneself from...

I happened to see a student being taken to task for being distracted in the class. After some time I encountered the student ( let's call the student X) on my way. I chatted for a while. X said that the neighboring student had the habit of doodling on the other person's hands! I asked X if X had a choice of not extending the hand. This simple question got X thinking. Often we get entangled in such situations. We make excuses or blame the other. But aren't we making the choices?

I speak of two instances that happened recently. I happened to take a session on Emotional Intelligence to a group of 20-22 year olds. It was not surprising that the EQ is much lower in comparison to their age. It was surprising to hear from them that they would change in a few years time. Now I had the last laugh. When I disagreed they did not believe me. Well they would learn the hard way or maybe never. An individual's personality is set between the age of 2- 6 years. I have of course mentioned this in my earlier blogs too. This evening as I walked home I chanced upon three boys ( 7-8 years)from a neighboring slum. A truck whizzed past. Immediately one of the boys flung his school bag and ran behind the truck hoping to get a free ride. He couldn't catch up though. He returned only to scold the other two for not having picked up. He was literally bullying them and they obeyed submissively. I tried to intervene. He booed me out! I was amused. Also I foresaw a future gan...

Today my colleague and I were having a discussion on art and poetry. Suddenly it struck us that we are able to indulge in art and poetry when we are either feeling low or very happy. Mediocre state of mind brings out nothing. Well is it not the same in any sphere? Great artists, singers experience several such moments in their daily life. Typically the best work comes out then. This is because when we are melancholic or very happy we are totally absorbed in the mood and it helps us to get into a flow- a flow of poetry, art, music etc. As Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the eminent psychologist, has described such a state as 'flow'. This is a state when we are totally submerged/absorbed in an activity. How wonderful is our mind, our life! During such heightened moods we create! Mediocre life, mediocre output. Let us enjoy the highs and lows. Let us also enjoy the mediocre in between for the balance.

I often hear people complaining about the present generation. I have begun interacting with children belonging to Grades 6,7 and 8. To my lovely surprise I find them so vocal and so smart. Technology is not new to them. They are not afraid to voice their views. They have the 'accept me as I am, this is ME' attitude. I love this about them. They are so confident. I immediately recalled my school days where questioning was discouraged. I was deemed the rebel when I questioned or was vocal. I was named as the 'talkative' girl. It was a 'bad' name and I would get punished at home and school. When I became a teacher I encouraged questioning and I loved the talkative ones! I am so happy that the day has come where teachers have to pause to listen to the student. No longer do the students have to 'fear' the teacher. And the teacher who listens earns the respect.

Like the pawn broker who was cleaning out his shop and dumping the litter on the road. Like the party worker's car having the party flag goes past toll gates without paying. Like the father who will pay 7 lakhs to admit his daughter in a deemed university! Like the men who spit out anywhere and everywhere. Like the rich kid who thinks he can get away from law because he drives an Audi! Like the man who has bought just 2 items expects to be billed before you just because your cart is full!

As I stopped at the traffic signal, I glanced idly around. I could see a rush at the street  juice stall. People were searching for an inch of shade. The bikers removed their helmets. The pillion riders were sweating out more. The poor traffic cop was having the toughest time- battling the heat in his starched uniform day long. The dog ambled lazily, with its tongue out. I sat in my little car comfortable for the aircon was on. It hit me hard. How privileged I am... I may not have an Audi or BMW but I have a car and I am enjoying its cool confines. So do many of us. Yet do we pause to reflect on our gifts? Do we think of reaching out to help the lesser privileged? If you do not know how to do so then do visit www.help2grow.org

We always think of politicians as corrupt and dishonest. Just as movies reflect the society or vice versa,  it is the same with our government and us. How can the minister be so corrupt? How can the CEO of a popular paper be so dishonets? These questions flood us. The truth is dishonesty runs across all of us irrespective of gender, religion, caste and social rank. I have seen them all- helicopter parents, fussy parents, permissive, authoritarian, authoritative but the ones who baffled me the most were the ones who were ready to compromise on integrity for the sake of their wards and themselves. There was this unassuming, middle class man who had come to drop off his son for the entrance exam. He looked desperate. His son had failed in the first attempt. The beauty of the architecture entrance exam is that one can attempt the exam any number of times. I tried telling this to the father. I tried to tell him that there are almost 50 colleges offering the course.There was noth...

Here is a group pf parents/adults who are so nervous and worried that they transmit this behaviour to their wards. They reduce themselves and their wards to nervous wrecks before an exam. Papers go flying. Pens slip. Bagas are searched a million times. They will keep assuring themselves and their wards zany number of times! They will keep seeing off their wards ( bye bye)  into the exam hall ( the next room from where they sit). If we ask the wards  to sign on a given document they will stare at the document as if expecting an alien to come up and guide them!! Then the fuss-drama begins all over again... For god sake grow up parents.. I want your wards to grow up too.

Lately I have been doing admission counselling for a popular professional college. I have been meeting almost 30 sets of parents every day. It has been a great journey of learning. There are different types of parents. Here I give you an account of the 'helicopter parents' These are the ones who fuss and hover around the child constantly. They carry the bags for the children sorry teenagers. They watch over them hawk eyed,. They do not allow the child to take a decision. They answer on behalf of the child. They do not allow the child to even take a pen out of the bag. Oh no, they have to take it out. They are the ones who barge into the office and take the seat instead of the child. Please note that the candidate is needed to fill in forms and sign at several places. The child stands like a minion or is seated timidly, always glancing at his/her parent's face for every question put forward. Even the date and time slot of the entrance exam is decided by the parent wit...

Every other day we hear of 1. friendship going stale 2. relationship going sour 3. children turning against parents 4. colleagues overthrowing one another 5. politicians squabbling 6. religion blinding and binding us At the end of it all lies the murky word EGO. The accessories are power and wealth. The famous old tale comes to mind,' what is it that we try to possess: land/air/water? They belong to none and yet to all. For mere the coin we draw blood..'

  Your mind is already made up that it wants you to heal. Listen to your inner voice. Recently a client of mine walked into my office feeling so deflated and miserable. As I listened to her with total positive regard and unconditional acceptance. I could sense a wave of relief in her voice. All she wanted was to be heard. To be heard without getting advice thrown at her… It was then she realised that she wanted someone to listen to her without being judgemental. Her inner voice wanted her to heal. At the end of the session she walked out a happier person. When you have decided to visit a Counsellor, your mind has decided that it wants you on the path to recovery. Often  we ignore our inner voice. This voice or our intuition steers us and guides us. we then make attempts to heal or recover on our own. this is excellent but very often when the external noises pull us down, we may need help. It is OK to seek help.

  Since I have started or rather re-started my exercise regime, I have been mindful of my eating. In the process I have learnt that - 1. It is easier to eat slow- I normally wolf down my breakfast. I am always in a tearing hurry to finish my meal and head out. I have tried earlier to reverse this habit. When we are mindful of what goes into us, we eat slower. Eating slowly is excellent for watching the calories and for our system. 2. We are careful of what we eat. Needless to say we become automatically careful of what we eat. This helps us to cut down on junk food. I greedily eyed a laddu the other day but ate just half of it! Today I managed to avoid eating the sweet! 3. We relish the food and feel fuller. We relish every morsel. we experience the taste. we take in the fragrance. we appreciate the texture. By now we feel 80% full. This is when we can STOP eating. By now our brain registers the feeling as FULL. 4. it gives you ‘your space, your time to think, ruminate’ V...

We  Indians are known for our noisy behaviour. We talk loudly even in public places be it the bus, the train, plane and even in places of worship. Whether we are talking to each other or on the phone, the entire neighbourhood will know. A peaceful meal at a restaurant or a bout of peaceful exercising at the gym is a dream. Recently I have begun to workout at a gym inside the premises of a popular club. There is this lady who talks dime a dozen from her jewellery collection to her family politics ( and that of others too). She is so loud that her voice penetrates through my headphones!!.. She tried to strike conversation with me. I was not at my friendliest best. So she got the message and does not disturb me. I did not feel guilty in shutting her off as I needed my peace and my time to exercise. It is ok to say NO.

  Barefoot walking Luscious mangoes and melon Cool curd rice Lassi and juices Plain water and showers With the blessing of a fan and aircon I love summer..                

I love the election time. It is like a  fever hotting up, a carnival where everyone can participate.It is also the only time when the common human feels important. every vote matters. Yes it is like choosing between the devil and the deep sea. But there in lies the excitement. At least if we vote we can criticize without guilt! I voted today. It was refreshing to see the police doing their duties with care and commitment. A politician's car was effortlessly removed from the vicinity. This is the only time they feel empowered! Lot of care was taken towards senior citizens. I enjoyed taking my father to vote. To see him so duty bound and committed to voting, in spite of him having difficulty in walking, made me so proud. Above all the lack of traffic and crowd made driving so heavenly... Now to follow the counting.. and the news ... loving it.

This morning I came across a shocking news of a 11 year old girl who hacked her friend to death ( stabbed 16 times) in London. The anger was over some nude pics of them together on Facebook. In spite of this girl requesting the other not to upload, the latter (now dead) laughed it off. This brings us to the ills of FB generation. Points to be noted. 1. The world is close but only virtually. 2. Do NOT share personal pics of a group or another person without their permission. Girls PLEASE be very CAREFUL while uploading your pics. They are are being misuse and you could fall prey to several dangers. When we take pics at a party or get together, we always make it clear if we want our pics to be uploaded or not. 3. Avoid putting up status on a broken relationship or your exes. What may be right for you will not be so for the other. Respect Respect Respect others' feelings and privacy. You do not lose anything. 4. Each one's values are different. Your personal likes and dis...

Hospitality and courtesy excel in this particular hotel. It is amazing for an Indian traveller ( as such courtesy is extended only to ‘whites’). This level of courtesy trickles to all levels of the staff. And it is not the annoying type or impersonal. It is just the right amount and warm. I have only read about such hotels in novels. I experienced it for the first time. The staff take note of what we order, our preferences and once again this trickles down to all the levels. For e.g. when I ordered kichidi ( rice and lentils cooked to a soft, gooey mush) thrice in a row, the Front desk enquired if all was well!  When I mentioned my son was not well there was concern expressed not only by her but by whomever we met on our way down to the poolside. The Housekeeping staff to the in dining service all of them enquired of his health. The rooms are well equipped with comfortable beds, plenty of pillows, a lovely writing desk, good wifi service etc. Food is good and a variety of cuis...

  I have come to spend a few days with my son. I see him working from his laptop, interacting with people, taking decisions and listening to music. I am awestruck. Just a couple of decades ago he was the helpless infant on my lap. He was the curious toddler, a wonderful teen (unlike me!) and now a responsible adult. I marvel at how time has flown past. Our rides to school in the north east- in a rickshaw or a car. Our trips to the local Gandhi mela ( Silchar, Assam), picnics, maggi noodles, travels, reading, music, long car drives, eating out, movies.. the list is endless. We have been in the  ‘flow’ ( Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi) and we are grateful.

I have been reading reports of Kashmiri students getting arrested on sedition charges because they cheered for Pakistan in the recent Indo-Pak cricket match. The next day I read reports of students in Thanjavur fasting for UN resolution against Sri Lanka. This is not the first time that some political parties are making mileage over this issue. People from the north east are being targeted/ tortured/ raped/ killed because they are ‘different’. We neglected northeast for years and they remain undeveloped. Now they are venturing out to seek education and jobs. Soft spoken, courteous and silent they move around like ghosts substituting those who have migrated to greener pastures. So much hatred and violence even after being a sovereign republic! But then what is India and what is it to be an Indian?

I lay decomposed and dead, A light guided me into a tunnel My soul soared above the Himalayas And watched Planet earth below My life in the rewind Gorging on junk food Partying on highs Smoking and drying the lungs... Unkind words hurled at kith 'n' kin Indifference wrapped as blanket Cynicism and sarcasm my weapons At work and home Stagnant cesspools I had created Anger, jealousy and violence In my blood and lymph... Dark and viscous my brain had become And into the hell hole I succumbed... I cried and wept and begged for mercy I crawled around in pain Redemption came and I was blessed Just one more life, just one more This time I rushed through the tunnel Into my house, into the hearts of mine own To cleanse the sewage I had created To erase the carbon footprints....

As we grow older simultaneously our children blossom and our parents are entering their twilight years. The key word is PATIENCE and in plenty. They enter their second childhood. The only difference to the original is here they lack the innocence. They have an information overload due to age and experience. hence it is a delicate situation. To compound the situation are the peer group ( sic) serial (killer) shows and life itself.  From time to time keep the rewind button ready and pressed so as to proceed cautiously and lovingly.

The orange sunrays light up the sky Bringing in the blaze of the morning sun Birds flying high Morning chants in the neighbourhood Somewhere a heaviness Heaviness in my heart I inhale the fresh air and feel the nip Hey I am awake, I am alive Indeed the greatest moment..

When a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness there is a paradigm shift in his/her thinking. suddenly the very materials he is attached to like his car, house, gadgets lose importance. They are no longer significant to him. Rather people become important. ( at last!). Experiences like a vacation with loved ones, learning the dance or music he had always wanted to acquire a new meaning. There is a paradigm shift. When a person loses someone very close ( family or friend) all is forgiven. He realizes that the grudges are not worth a penny. Property, money, ego dissolves with the ashes. There is a paradigm shift. Can't we experience the shift now, in the moment? Source : The War of Art by Steven Pressfield (partly)

I read an article this morning  on similar thoughts by a youngster and was truly inspired. It is true. Keeping it simple is actually tough. Emotions : Jealousy, hate, anger, anxious, fear require such complex thoughts and bring out complex behaviour too. Love, happy are simple emotions but is it easy to 'be' ? Actions: Frown, grimace, violence is complex Hug, smile is so simple but do we 'do'? Food: Eating at 5 star hotels, junk food - complex and monotonous ( on a regular basis) Eating at home - prepared by your loved ones- a cuppa tea, rice and dal, so simple and tasty ( ask the travelling salesman/ marketing guy/ consultants). yet do we appreciate? Academic: We find teachers explaining the most complicated with ease but unable to reach out to the student ( simple but easy?) Reminds me of the popular story: The Russians and Americans were competing to send the most friendly writing tool to space. Americans battled with various types of pens.The Russi...

I am very happy to be pottering around in the kitchen. I love to open my refrigerator, select the colourful veggies and plan the menu for the day. Most of the time I dish out my own formulae with the masalas present in my kitchen. Recently a brief stay with my daughter in law made me realize the beauty of chopping veggies in clean good shapes. Also I fell in love with the way she has maintained her kitchen. On my return I fell to rearranging my kitchen with a vengeance. I was amazed at the clutter I had stocked!! The kitchen is my domain, my space. I ponder, reflect, listen to songs in this space. It is meditation time for me.

Today I came upon a rare Facebook post (a poster) on a husband’s love posted by an acquaintance. The wordings were simple and beautiful. Very often we come across posters and jokes ridiculing the spouse. It reminded me also how we take people for granted, especially the ones whom we live or share our lives with. We miss out to be grateful to the numerous little gestures that are doled out to us. For me it is the laughter we share, the tears he has wiped off, my hand he has held, his quiet encouragement, above all his silent strength … my husband is indeed my best companion. It would be wonderful to recognise this as often as we can. At least learn to notice and count our blessings.

Being friendly with one's children This cannot be achieved overnight. I often find parents coming to me when they cannot handle their teenagers.  Parenting is like a constructing a building. The foundation has to be strong. Begin early on the values you wish to impart.  From early childhood the child has to be taught good manners, discipline and a routine. You ( both parents) must make it a habit to begin communicating with your child on a daily basis. Else it would be extremely difficult to do all of the above when the child enters its teens. Being friendly means empathizing with your child. It means to respect him/her as he/she is. It means 'listening' to your child. It means you set definite boundaries. It means your child can count on you for support. This is authoritative parenting. Please do not confuse it with being a 'friend'. Most parents make this blunder. In their good intentions of being a friend they become permissive parents. Rules a...

I witnessed this scene at the airport a couple of weeks ago. There was this Indian family of four returning to US. It was obvious that they were living in the USA ( from their conversation). The father remained oblivious and indifferent throughout. The mother and the young daughter ( around 14-15 years) were having a conversation. The boy (12-13 years) was lost in playing a game on his cell. The mother seemed to be the 'cool' kind initially throwing in the 'youth' lingo occasionally. Suddenly the cool mom turns into a vicious banshee. Obviously from her swear words and cruel tongue it was easy to deduce that the daughter had posted a few photographs of a recent party on Facebook. And yes the photos were not approved beforehand. The girl was trying to justify. The boy pitched in. Of course the father did not pay any heed as if it was happening in some other family! As a bystander I was shocked at the language the mom used towards her daughter! All the common swear wor...