Psychology of lying

 

A child breaks a cup/ a child snacks when he is not supposed to.. common scenarios. Is the child bad? Has he or she said ‘no’ when you confronted? Is he or she lying? Does it make him/her bad? The children aren’t bad neither are all lies bad! All lies aren’t even lies!!

Why do children lie?

Do attempt to make a difference between lying and make-believe. Children below five years are prone to make up things as an extension of their creative minds. They love to live in a fantasy world. It is part of their wishful thinking when they say things like,’ I was the best at school’/ ‘all are having pets’!

To Avoid Hurting Someone

After the age of 10 children are usually aware of the black and white. Adults use the ‘white lie’ option a lot to escape unfavourable situations and to be diplomatic. Children observe this and absorb the behaviour and use it.

Peer Pressure

This is universal. Children ‘always’ want to fit in. It is imperative they are accepted in their friends’ circle, the ‘gang’. In the teen years (nowadays teens start at 10!) all parental rules are perceived as rigid, unfair and strict. This stage of life is a stage of storm and stress. In order to be accepted by their friends they lie their way around – to one another (to be accepted) and to parents (while breaking rules). This is also the period when parents are most suspicious and put down several curbs. Do remember like moths drawn to a flame the youngsters are drawn to excitement and will find a way somehow.

Lying is convenient.

Telling the truth results in being shouted at so children find it easier to lie. As a child breaking a cup would cause so much fear that I would lie. I needed to avoid my mother’s screaming.

Here it is a warning to us parents/adults. How are we behaving when confronting our wards? Lying brings more peace and not being scolded. It is just the easiest solution to their problems – parental anger and handling their own guilt.

Psychological factor

Largely children outgrow from this habit of lying. As adults if they continue to lie for every silly reason then it means they need professional help. Such cases would mean that there is some unresolved sadness, pain, hurt or conflict.

How do we help?

Make it safe. Keep up to your words.

It is difficult but worth trying this. Reassure your child that being truthful would not beget anger or lashings. And keep your word, however irritated or angry you are with your child’s behaviour. Please note that we are angry with the behaviour and not the child. We need to keep reminding ourselves and our wards with this statement. This will encourage them to be open to you. Children also learn not to cover up their mistakes If we backtrack they do so and we lose out terribly.

Break the pattern/cycle

While grounding them be practical and stand by what you said. If you have said no TV for a week, STICK to it. Do not give in two or three days. Children are smart. Once we give in, they realise that they can get away with lies

Attack only the behaviour

Once we label children as liars or dishonest they believe to be those and continue such behaviour. Let us make it clear that we love them but they broke the rules. Hence you are upset.

React vs Respond

All of us battle with this at every stage of life. It is typical of us to react in anger and we feel when we shout or scream they would listen. The opposite happens. They shut us out. It breeds fear. They will continue to lie out of fear and to escape punishment/rage.

Instead of reacting like,’ how could you / how dare you… Respond like this: well, you did this/because you lied about..… hence you will not be playing outdoors for 2 evenings.

Parental bragging

Often we hear parents brag about how their wards have escaped punishment or scolding at school by lying. This is dangerous. Children immediately learn that lying is cool.

Address the problems

Lying is an outcome of problems. If a child lies about his/her marks/results/grades then look beyond the lying. Address the problem of studying/learning.

Look inwards

Children aren’t born with a moral compass. They learn from us. Breaking traffic red lights is a very common act indulged by parents. Children quickly grasp that doing anything is ok until you are caught.

Remember to tell our wards that a good person is not one who does nothing wrong, but someone who OWNS up to it. Sett the ‘goodness’ rolling.